Distractions
by mia.c.rose
Summary: New Moon, post Edward leaving Bella, written from Edwards POV.
1. Fifth Month

It had been five months since her birthday.

Expressionless, vacant, and empty of all but her, Edward lay in the snow eyes, eyes closed.

Chanting.

_Without me, she is safe. Without me, she is free. Without me she is happy._

It was getting harder and harder. Once, after happening upon a meadow almost identical to the meadow they had shared, he was nearly undone. He had run all the way to Oregon before finding within himself one last ounce of willpower, enough to stop, turn, and force himself back to Aspen, his prison of sorts.

_Without me, she is safe. Without me, she is free. Without me she is happy._

After abandoning her in the woods, by far the hardest thing Edward had ever had to do, he had run to Aspen, where his family had already settled. In the beginning, it was easier. But each day, he grew more and more empty, more forgot everything that mattered except her. His only thought:

_Without me, she is safe. Without me, she is free. Without me she is happy._

If the others could read his mind, thats what they would hear. The only thing that kept him from running back to her, begging for her forgiveness. He couldn't even let himself think her name anymore. His family never said it. Now he spent his time in the forest, buried under snow, chanting, bearing every second in agony. He had once thought that getting through an hour of Biology had been unmanagable, with her scent wafting through his lungs. Now he had gone five months without her,_ five months. _He would give anything to feel that pain in his throat, feel her warmth in his left side, a foot away, a foot too far away. Seeing her cheeks blush invitingly, watching the thick blood flow through her place membrane…

_Without me, she is safe. Without me, she is free. Without me she is happy._

He was fighting off each hour now, and he was losing. He knew he had to get farther away, soon, before he crumbling and couldnt stop his body from flying over the miles that seperated him from her. Though hundreds of miles away, he was too close.

What if he just went to Forks, only for a minute, to check up, make sure she was okay?

No, he told himself. Alice would see if anything bad happened. Alice would tell him. But… sometimes Alice was wrong. Bella wasnt a vampire, or dead at his hands, as she had predicted. Perhaps she could slip, could miss something! He was halfway to Forks before he realized he had been running as reasoned with himself. He let out a growl, and turned, sprinting in the opposite direction.

_Without me, she is safe. Without me, she is free. Without me she is happy._

Why couldnt his body and heart see what was right? What would it even mean if he did return? A few decades, then she would be gone, in a more permanent sense. Better that he left her now, instead of forcing her to spend her short life with a creature she couldnt grow old with. Let her find her way. She would find herself someone who would be far better for her than he was. Someone to have a family with, who would care for her as he couldnt. Mike Newton…

The thought stopped him in his tracks, he turned toward Forks again, and had to uproot a huge, probable hudreds of years old tree to hold himself where he stood. He couldnt afford to hate Mike Newton or boys like him. They were who Edward was counting on, after all. He _wanted _someone to fall in love with Bella-

_Without me, she is safe. Without me, she is free. Without me she is happy._

He couldnt stop running. He was getting closer and closer to Forks, almost within two hundred miles now. He threw himself into reverse. He couldnt afford to think that name. He couldnt afford to get within five hundred miles of he. And, he couldnt afford to stand still. Too much of the time, his body flew towards her without his knowledge while he stood, trying to find a reason to return to her. He_ had_ to get _away._


	2. Tracking

Twenty minutes later, I arrived back home. Five faces stared at me from around the small living room.

Rosalie looked up, worried, but quickly hid it with a sneer.

_So, youre back?_

It was true, I had been gone for a while. I found that it was easier for me to tune out the world and just forget for small portions of time when not surrounded by 'supportive' family.

Esme was up, and at my side in an instant. Worry emanated from every corner of her being. Something in my expression told her not to ask anything, but she couldn't help what she thought.

_Has something changed. Well obviously, or he wouldn't have returned to us. But what? has he decided to return to Bella?_

I winced.

"Where are you going to go?" called Alice from upstairs. I could see in her mind that I was undecided, I only knew I was going. That, I was sure of.

"You're leaving? Why? Son, if we are to close, you know the family will move wherever you need us." Carlisle stared anxiously at me, trying to decipher what was going on in my mind.

"No… Even you remind me of… " I stopped. They knew what I meant.

"I'm so sorry Edward. Are you quite sure you've made the right decision? I'm positive she would take you back in a heartbeat Edward." Esme was so loving, but I was her priority. She didn't see that, for the girls sake, I could never return to her. But I didn't need Esme trying to reason with me. I was ambivalent already, any more persuasion and I'd be out the door.

"I'm sure."

Hmm. Victorias scent cut off at the airport, suggesting she took a cab… but as a bloodthirsty, definitely _not _vegetarian vampire, I couldn't see her sitting quietly in the backseat as some brazilian rambled about this wonderful city.

I decided that if I couldn't distract myself from her by doing nothing, I might as well be useful, and hopefully distract myself at the same time. Victoria did pose a threat to the girl, I still refused to think her name. Even though Victoria hadn't shown herself as of recent, I might as well be aware of her location at all times.

Which was what led me to Brazil. After finding a trace of her down in Texas, I figured that she took a plane to Brazil, after tracking her scent to terminal nine, where, ten days earlier (which was how old the scent was) there had been a plane going to the beautiful capital of Brazil.

As it turns out tracking is much harder than it seems. Sure any vampire can follow. But tracking/ It requires insight into your prey, a keen sense for what choices they will make and how they will try to elude you. I am a poor tracker.

After a couple days in Brazil, and no new information that could lead to my discovering Victorias location, or _at least _her past locations, I couldn't stand being as far as I was from Bella. I decided that being on the same continent as her would be tolerable. Or, really, being on a different continent than her is intolerable. That is a more honest statement.

I have reverted to my previous methods of distraction. I lay facedown in the snow the darkness doing nothing to disguise my agony. Each second a torture, my life without her has become just that. I no longer have a life, I just have my time with her, and my time without her. Anything before; pointless. Anything besides; irrelevant. The shocking difference between these two periods of my life, the with and the without, is paradoxical. The former the happiest, fullest, most enriching and most meaningful times of my life, though brief. The latter is stark my comparison, an empty wasteland of doubt, fear, hatred and longing. I remember when Bella first came to Forks, when she sat next to me, when I spoke to her the first time, I asked her if it was hard for her to be where she was. She responded, '_you have no idea.' _At the time, she confused and surprised me. But if life in Forks for her, at least in the beginning, was the tiniest fraction of what life without her is for me, then I wholeheartedly empathize with her.

Of course, life without me cannot be for her what it is to me. I'm sure her life has progressed suitably, and beautifully, as it should have. Maybe she has a new boyfriend. She wasn't capable of loving me the overwhelming, possessing, obsessive way that I loved her. So how could she miss me, and grieve for me even a fraction of the way I do her?

I cannot imagine a worse feeling than the way I feel now.

My cell phone rings.


	3. Worst Case Scenario

**"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." (New Moon, page 19.)**

The cell phone rings three times before I bother to answer. Even when I do, I say nothing just wait. While I welcome a distraction, anything that is urgent enough to call me for can't be good.

_'Edward.'_ Rosalie says my name with such relief and pity that I can't help but imagine the worst.

I wait.

_'Edward, I'm sorry.'_

"Stop," I manage to wheeze. What… what has happened? Images of my love swirl through my mind.

Her dark hair twisting like wind on her pillows as she slept.

Her empty body, near death, lying in a hospital bed, filled with tubes and covered with bandages.

Her shocking, beautiful, timeless, perfect smile, inches from mine, as we twirl around the gym.

What could possibly have happened?

_'Edward… Alice has just had a vision.'_

"I thought as much. Out with it." I struggle to speak these simple Rosalie doesn't really need to say anything, only one terrible eventuality would result in the likes of her contacting me.

_'There was a cliff. A very high one at that. There was water below, Edward, but Alice waited and waited, and she didn't come up. No human could last that long. I'm so sorry Edward.'_

_No._ I slammed the phone shut, nearly crushing the thing. But I couldn't break it yet. I couldn't allow myself to panic yet either. Alice was sometimes wrong. Sometimes she missed things. My hands shook as I slowly dialed the Swan home phone.

It rang times. Then an unfamiliar voice:

_'Swan residence.'_

"Is Charlie there?" I ask. I couldn't manage speaking to Bella. Charlie could confirm that she was alive, probably safe and sound, hanging out with her friends like I never existed.

_'No. Hes at the funeral.'_

I let out a muffled sob as I hung up the phone. So it was true then. Bella was gone. There wasn't even a worry that I would run back to her and ruin her life, because she didn't have one anymore. I screamed and tearlessly sobbed. All my beautiful memories of her crashed down on me, a tsunami that flushed my mind clean of anything besides her.

Her fascinated awe, watching the sun shimmer off my skin in our meadow.

Her kitten like anger, that always amused me, much to her annoyance.

Her unguarded thoughts, beautiful utterances in the night, my only true look to what she couldn't say.

He focus, preparing to fight off a man who would surely overcome her in an alley, only a year ago.

She hadn't given up then. So many odds against her. Four men, in the darkness, surrounding her, and yet she prepared to fight.

So why couldn't she fight now?How dare she give up, take her life, mine, Charlies and Renees…

I couldn't see her doing it. What had driven her to such a terrible, thoughtless decision?

I could run to Forks, find out what or who caused this destruction of the only thing that justified the creation of the world.

But what would that do? She'd still be dead. I'd still be alive.

I knew what I had to do.

_Last spring, when you were nearly killed, part of my mind was making contingency plans._

_Contingency plans?_

_Well, I wasn't going to live without you._

Back then, she had been angry with me for saying such a thing, and made me promise never to think such things again.

But she gone now. At her own hand,what's more. How could she leave me in a world without her, and force me to stay?

She couldn't. She was past this world, and I would soon join her. I ran for the nearest airport.


	4. Empty Travels

Edward sat, staring blankly ahead, forcing himself not to think. There was nothing left. She was gone, he would soon follow. He was basically gone already, the action was theonly thing left to do. He hadn't said any goodbyes, nor did he plan to. They would understand. Besides, another sympathetic word would be too much. He was already balancing on the edge of his sanity. It wouldn't do for him to lose it and attack every human in sight. He didn't want that to be his final action. No doubt his family would hear about it. No, when he and Bella were reunited, his eyes would not glow red with the lives of innocents. That much he could manage.

Gate Nine for Florence, Italy. Boarding at Gate Nine, Florence, Italy.

His face calm, decided, and empty, Edward rose and entered the tunnel to the plane. He had no luggage, no carry on. There was nothing left to do but wait.

Time blurred. Nothing existed anymore, now that she didnt. He had already been so aware of her, and her existence, without them everything was meaningless. Sure, he cared for his family. But what were they? Some people to spend eternity with, doing nothing, and being worth nothing, now that she was gone and life had no meaning.

When he landed in Florence, he rented a fast and simple Mercedes, making his way through the contours of the Tuscan hillside. Sure it was probably very beautiful. But, he couldn't see it. Nor did he wanted. He had set his course. All that was left now was to follow through.

He tried to work out how he would ask the ancients to kill him. He had to be convincing. They were too good friends with Carlisle to simply do it without cause. Of course, he didn't really need to explain anything to them. Aro would take his hand, and a decision would be made based on all the facts. As he grew closer and closer to Volterra, he grew restless. There wasn't anything left to be done. He couldn't consider what would happen if they turned him down, he just had to hope. Sure, he could probably find some vampire to take his pain away, but each second on the Earth without Bella doubled his pain. He couldn't stand to live any longer than was truly necessary.

**Sorry that one was so short! I think I'm going to start officially updating on Sundays! So, next Sunday, Edwards conversations with the ancients, how they go, and the aftermath. I'm planning on having this series go at least for a couple more chapters, but I wont try to drag it out.**

**Please review!**


	5. Disappointment

"Edward! A happy, happy surprise! Are you well? And Carlisle? Oh dear, it has been such a long time." Aros glistening, excited eyes turned brooding. "I must soon pay a visit."

"Actually, Aro, I came here to ask you and your brothers if you might allow your guard to dispose of me." He stared straight into Aros beady, currently black eyes.

Aros thoughts turned to shock. _Why would Edward want himself disposed of? Perhaps trouble in vegetarianism. I've heard it eventually drives them mad. But, what a waste. Perhaps he'd reconsider if I offered a spot in our ranks… How convenient it would be, Edward at my side, hand in mine, transporting the thoughts of all that surround me. No thought would be hidden. No plotting unnoticed. _Aros mouth slowly formed a smile as he prepared to present his proposal to Edward.

"No, Aro, a spot in your ranks would do me no good. Where I have fallen, there is no returning." Edward then decided that if he was to progress in these proceedings with any degree of timeliness, he might as well get it all out in the open.

"Here," Edward sighed offering his hand forward for examination.

Aro moved swiftly to him, clasping Edwards hand in both of his. Aros shoulders slouched with the weight of the onslaught of information. Edward listened as Aro processed all Edward had given him. At first, Aro couldn't stop laughing. Edward had fallen for a human? Kissed her, touched her? How absurd! It must have had to do with that wretched animal blood. It just wasn't natural. Aro quickly cut off from his chuckle as he learned of Bella passing, and felt the pain and grief and denial and depression that Edward had the last day endured.

Upon reaching the end of Edwards confession, of sorts, Aro released his grasp on Edward and bowed his head in sorrow.

"I am so sorry for your loss," Aro muttered, deeply embarrassed for laughing before he knew of all the events that had transpired. "You really loved her."

"Yes," Edward said bluntly. This was not something he wanted to, or would go into, especially with the likes of near strangers.

There was mumbling and quiet chatter among the guard in attendance and the other ancients. Who had Edward mated with and lost? Why did he wish to end his existence? Surely, vampires had lost their mates before and survived. What bond could they have had that was so strong, to end one vampire was to end the other? And, why had Aro laughed before at Edwards tale of loss and suffering.

"Aro. Would you care to inform the attendance what is going on?" Caius stood impatiently at his throne with Marcus, confused just as the others at what Aro had seen in Edwards mind.

"Edward has suffered a hardship. His mate has passed. Edward now wishes to join her in whatever lays beyond. However, he needs our help to do this. Brothers, can we help Edward rejoin his mate?" Aro glanced between Caius and Marcus, his eyebrows raised and questioning, awaiting their council.

"Why do you wish to send yourself dear Edward? A more common approach would be to find he or she who has broken you, and kill them, thus repairing the injustice." Caius was incredulous, he couldn't understand why such drastic and dramatic means needed to be taken.

"Its not that simple…" Edward muttered. He couldn't look up, he relied on perspectives of others eyes to look around at the reactions of the vampires in the room.

"Ah, dear Caius, one last detail: Edwards mate was human. She took her own life, there is nothing for Edward to avenge."

Aro wasn't halfway through his statement when gasps erupted from around the room. _Human?_ Edward had mated to a _human_? The thought was disgusting, despicable, grotesque.

"_Edward!" _Caius scoffed. "This is why you have caused such a racket? Humans die everyday, in fact, I probably kill three a week. Whats all the fuss?"

"Caius, do not be insensitive. I've told you, she was his mate. He-" Aro was interrupted.

"But she was_ human_!"

"Caius, do_ not _interrupt me. She was his mate, human or not. He loved her as you love Athenodora."

Caius rolled his eyes.

_These vegetarians, now not only do they avoid harming humans and doctor to humans, they mate with them too? How horrendous. Its wrong. Humans are merely sustenance and entertainment. What the Cullens see in them, I can't possibly comprehend. _

Edward listened o Caius's thoughts, stung by his superiority. Then he sighed. It wouldnt matter much longer what Caius, or anyone for that matter, thought of him.

"Are we prepared to council?" Aro narrowed his eyes at Caius, reminding him to stay civilized.

"Yes," Marcus uttered lazily.

"Yes," Caius snapped with chagrin._ Publically being told off by Aro is humiliating and unnecessary. They were equals. Right?_

Edward payed no mind to Caius's self conscious and embarrassed train of thought. It was time to find out whether or not he would be graced with dying now or forced to walk alone for an undetermined time longer.

"Marcus, you may cast your vote." Aro watched Marcus, awaiting his decision.

"I see no reason not to give the boy what he wants. If he wants to die like his human did, who are we to stand in his way? Everyone will forget about it in a couple of months anyway." Marcus sighed. _Just like Didyme_, Marcus thought.

Edward felt a surge of pity for Marcus. He knew that Marcus had lost his mate, a long, long time ago, and that he suspected it was at the hands of Aro. But no, Edward had to focus. There wasn't any point to pitying Marcus, it both changed nothing and was probably not wanted anyhow.

"She was just a human! I dont know why we're even wasting our time on this. Edward is overreacting, He'll calm down so. No need to cause an upset over such a silly dilemma, and I use that word lightly." Caius was bored of this discussion already. Hed had too much of Aro's audiences.

"I suppose that leaves me. Edward, I have felt in your mind how you felt about her. I understand you loved her, and that she was very important to you. However, Carlisle is an old friend of mine, and he would be upset if he heard we had allowed you, even assisted you, in ending yourself. You must understand, life moves on. Soon you will forget this human. One day you will thank me for sparing you from yourself." Aro moved to place his hand on Edwards shoulder, to comfort him, but also to learn what he thought of the developments. Before he could do so however, Edward shrugged away from him and backed toward the door.

"You have not saved my life today, only prolonged my misery until I can find a willing vampire. I hope you feel satisfied."

**Sorry, I know I said that I'd be updating on Sunday… But I got bored and wrote it now. Enjoy, and review!**


	6. Plans and Plots

Edward stood, his fist to the bricks of a darkened alley deep in Volterra. He had no idea how to go about finding someone to kill him. He wasn't well versed in the vampires of Europe… or The Americas, for that matter. A downside of being in not so much a traveling coven as a situated family was that he only met the vampires that came to him, never happening upon them while endeavoring in common escapades. Really, the Volturi had been his plan A through Z. He had nothing left.

Edward hated to spend any time at all thinking of anything besides her, but if he was going to join her, he had to find a way out of this hell his existence had become.

Perhaps, if he were to find a vampire, or coven, he could attack them, and hopefully they would kill him without him having to go into his pathetic story, and live through the memories again. All he would need to do was provoke them…

_Provoke._

Hmm.

The Volturi wouldn't kill him now, yes, without cause, or according to Caius, viable reason. And Aro would just have to overlook his long running friendship with Carlisle, were Edward to do something horrendous enough.

But what could be done?

He'd have to plan it all out perfectly. The Volturi were surely keeping tabs on him, once he made his plan evident, they would seek to apprehend him before he could cause any harm in their perfect, safe city. Then, they would most likely imprison him, leaving him to spend his days thinking of her and knowing her death was his fault. No, he had to show the humans something they couldn't disregard, and he had to do it. He couldn't just plan to.

Edward considered his options. Besides having to figure out what law to break, and how to break it, he needed to figure out a time, and place.

The place was obvious. It had to be Volterra. There was no way he could be ignored in the very home of the Volturi. Since they loved the place to death and couldn't bear to see it even slightly unpurified, his offence might even warrant trials execution, on the spot.

He smiled at that.

It all depended on the infraction however. What to do, what to do. There were so many options! Something that couldn't be disregarded…

Edward briefly considered holding a van over his head in the middle of the square. Then again, the Volturi were clever. They may be able to play it off as some sort of adrenaline rush, and only need to sentence his to imprisonment for that. And that was something he had rather live freely than endure. Well, obviously.

He could start attacking people on the streets. Draining them of blood, dropping there bodys to the ground, moving on to the next victim. He could run around in his hunting crouch, teeth bared, and let snarls rip from his throat.

But he wasn't sure if that was something he was comfortable doing. He had spent his vampiric life devoted to sustaining human life, and his own purity. To have his final act, and legacy, be so horrible and redefining just wouldn't do. He wanted Carlisle to remember him as the man he was at the happiest of times.

Besides, there would be lots of screaming and running, confusion and frustration. The few who had a clear shot of what he was doing could easily be persuaded otherwise, and those who caught glimpses would think themselves insane. Again, the sentence would only be imprisonment.

As Edward began to pace, he found himself more and more impatient with the circumstance. What could he do? Surely if the Volturi Didn't want to kill him they wouldn't.

Ugh.

What was something only vampires did, that could not be portrayed or confused for anything else. As he paced between two buildings, the sun broke out from behind a bank of clouds. Streaming down between the gap in the buildings, a single ray of light caught Edward on the arm just as he made to turn.

He stopped abruptly. A plan began to form in his mind.

**Hey guys! So, I know I've been updated just, whenever, and I think I'm going to keep it that way. I mean, what if I finish early? What if I can't get it done in time? I think a no deadlines policy will work out for all of us. I dont know. Lets just try it out!**

**Please, please review! I love suggestions, comments, and criticism that I can use to update and improve my writing. Have a good night/very early morning!**


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